Fallen Angels

Disclosure : This post is about Religion, my thoughts on it and on the things I've experienced. If you don't agree, that's totally okay with me, I'm always up for healthy discussion. But please, don't tell me I'm wrong. Everyone is entitled to opinions.


So in my years of growing up in the church, religiously attending every Sunday service, and living my life as close to what I heard every week as possible; you could say I know a few things about religion, well at Least mine.
I'm actually not going to state what I am, because this isn't about one groups of religious people to the other, it's about an experience. And you don't have to be in a certain denomination or culture to have one.

I've learned that people will expect you to believe and to act the same way your entire life. You are taught morals and values , and the acceptable ways to live. And you are rewarded with being in the inner circles of information and adoration if you live up to all these standards.
Basically high school, with a cross in the front.
I have lived on on both sides of the curtain.

I have been in the inner circle of the church, where you know Leaders and Pastors by name. Where your invited to social functions and dinners. People know your name, they give you privileges other are denied, they tell you information hat is kept for only the ears of the leaders of the flock. It's a wonderful feeling being needed, treasured and feeling loved no matter who you talk too.
That's how church is supposed to feel to me, an overwhelming sense of love, and safety. That no matter what is happening outside of the church doors, that when you step through them they become a Sanctuary, a safe haven.
I remember feeling that way, feeling completely at ease and at home in the church. Never did I feel judged or looked down upon.

But the thing about putting people on pedestals, is that it hurts both patties when they fall.
It reminds me of when lucifer fell from heaven. Did God cry for his fallen angel? Did Lucifer regret his choice as he fell?
I know what it feels like, being in the process of falling from grace, and the feeling of when you hit the ground, and people stretch out their arms to help you up, but give no real effort when you reach up for them.

I don't understand how a place, and the people became so foreign to me. You are I made a few choices they didn't agree with, developed a different lifestyle.
But the truth is that I had always been that way, I just hid it well. Maybe that was my first problem, keeping my mouth shut buy nonetheless, I did. And once i opened it, once I voiced who I have been my entire life, people didn't seem to like it.
All of the sudden I felt targeted, judged and condemned by my actions. When in reality there wasn't anything different about what I was doing, the people that had praised me so highly just realized it. And then decided it wasn't okay.

My entire life I've been searching for what freedom is, true freedom. And one of the pieces of the puzzle was that I forgot was freedom from religion.
Freedom from constraining ideals and beliefs.
I still believe in alot of things, and still and very grounded in alot of things that I leaned from the church. But you wouldn't know it by the way people talk about me behind closed doors and in conference meetings and prayer groups. You would think I had Joined the fallen Angels in hell.

But what I've learned from this, and what I hope to share. Is that it doesn't matter what religion or God you believe in, at least to me it doesn't. My life missions and goal isn't to convert you to my way of thinking, maybe that makes me a bad Christian. My mission is to love people as much as I can, with so much hate on this world, the last thing we need is to hate each other for believing in different things.
Yes I believe in the bible, and the things it says. What I don't believe is that people interpret it right, that people believe it without a doubt, without thinking that maybe it means something else, maybe they interpret it all wrong.

I believe in a lot of things, but hate and judgement is not among them.
That expecting people to believe in the exact things you do, and live the exact same way you do isn't right and isn't fair. We are individuals, let us remember that when were judging someone for their life. Maybe I've got it all wrong, I don't know.
But if I can't convey one point, it's that we should feel like we have to have it al right, that we have to be perfect and be a perfect person all the damn time.

I got tired of living my life to please others, and people who ended up judging me. I love my life for myself, and to try my best to bring what glory I can to the God I believe in.
I fail more times than most,but I've never seen him judge and condemn me for t.
Why do we do it to each other?



This is probably the only religion post I'll ever write, it's just Been bothering me lately, so I thought I would share it. And I haven't blogged in forever!

But I'm moving into my new house! I can finally pack boxes and know for a a fact I won't have to unpack them!

Keep calm, and stay sweet,
Xoxo
Sophie

For the Karma of your Soul

Sometimes i think we believe that throughout our lives the Universe eventually owes us.
That through tragedies, unexpected deaths, war, poverty, that somewhere down the line we feel like the world, the universe owes us some good luck. Or Karma, or whatever you believe in.

That we cant have been handed so much shitty luck for it to not pay off.

I think its a lie we tell ourselves. That the Universe will give us back some good.

I believe that people are who will give back, who will give good back to you and into the world. Not some force like Karma or Luck or Destiny. That in the end it will be ordinary people who give the most, who do the most good.
I think we as people forget how much we can actually do, can actually change.
That the laws the government, and the music artists who make it big only pass, and reach fame because we allow them too. The power to change and shape our world land in the same place it has always been, in the hands of its people.

Nothing in this world can thrive without some kind of backing, or support. People dont just get famous overnight, other people talking about them, watching their movies, things like that. That is what makes them famous, because we as people push them up on this pedestal.

If we as people can push and pull people into fame, i think we can do alot more for the good of the world.If If we used the energy we put into fangirling over people and buying their music and movies and loving them endlessly. If we put some of that energy into changing and better ourselves, bettering the world.

We might actually see some change, some good.
We might actually see the universe give us something good back, because we put good in.

Tipsy tips

You know those moments you have randomly in your life. The ones when you realize your completely different then who you thought you would be ten years ago.

Olive Garden is the place I have those revelations. It's a Wednesday afternoon, on my dinner break by myself and it hits me harder than the bad wine I've been sipping.

I don't know if I will ever be ready for marriage. I'm so good at living my life by myself that it doesn't even bother me anymore. Am I insane much? Maybe.
Going on a year of being single, It has been the most fun I've ever had.
Now I do have nights where I get lonely l, but the complete feeling of utter freedom is stronger than those one out of a million feelings of loneliness.

Maybe im not the marrying kind? Maybe I'm just not right now,maybe I'm a little tipsy.
Maybe.

To all the single ladies, keep up the good work. Your fabulous.


Keep drinking and stay single!
Xoxo
Sophie

Wedding Crashers

Women have this ridiculous trait that they can't be happy for another woman. I've seen it so many times and have been found guilty of it myself.

Marriage especially, is the deal breaker. When friends get married and you are sitting at a table by yourself drumming your fingers wondering when the wine will be served, this light flicks on in your head to loathe the happiest woman in the room.
If you've never experienced this, or anything near this then you haven't lived long enough to see your friends marry off.

Jealousy and envy are a woman's biggest enemy. Constantly judging ourselves and comparing to another woman. When the truth is that someone else if probably looking at you the same way your looking at her! An endless cycle of feeling not pretty enough, not successful enough and not marry-able enough.

A close friend of mine got married this weekend and I was all smiles and happy for them, the only time I felt the least bit of envy was that he had found someone to love and spend his life with and I was still single. But as all things pass so did the feeling, and the wine was a very easy replacer ;)
But some people were not so happy for him. Jealousy, anger and envy rose high in a conversation I was in talking about this wedding.
Some women just don't get it. They only see what they want, they fail to see what they have. The beautiful life they have, the loving boyfriend/girlfriend. A place to live and food to eat.

I guess sometime I think we lose sight of our own lives because we're so focused on others.
Just a thought of the day, and the realization that women are crazy. Pure crazy!

But it seems the best women and often made from crazy circumstances;)

Keep calm and stay crazy,
Xoxo
Sophie

Cyber Dating

Those days when you feel like life might just work out, that it might just throw you a bone. I really like those days,Yesterday was a day like that for me.

Excuse the absence of my blogging and upkeep of my website, Ive been sick for a while, and life kept getting in the way. But I am determined to keep it maintained and keep blogging, its the only thing that keeps me sane!

So Yesterday,
 I called out of work because Ive had headaches for about three weeks and needed to make sure i didnt have brain cancer or a tumor. It was just sinus headaches, and i got pain meds out of it. Woohoo! But as i was laying in my bed, Watching hours upon hours of Supernatural my Best friend sent me a wonderful text. You know those texts that just make your day, yeah it was on of those.
And the short version is, after applying for a house with another person, getting denied and still being out of a 100$, I may now have another place to live! And exciting.

Sometimes i feel that all we need in life is a reminder that things can work out. That they might not be what we expect or when we expect. But it happens, and that is good enough for me.

My life has seen alot of changes since the beginning of 2013! A whirlwind of life and emotions. But i think that after two hellish months its all turning around in my favor, and man am i happy!

Now onto a serious note.
Should you enter into a relationship with someone you met over the internet?
Now i know its the 21st century and thats just what people do, with programs like E-harmony and Match.com it isnt very hard for the socially akward and incredibly busy to find love
But do they really work? Are they actually worth all the incredible awkward tension and the scary thought that they may not be who they are online or via text.
If you'ver seen an episode of Catfish then you understand how crazy some people will be.
Now im not talking about online relationships, where your main source of communication is the computer or your phone, im talking about actually meeting up with these people you meet and getting to know them.

I have entered into one of these said relationships. EEk! You might think im crazy, but sometimes things just happen and you dont really know how it got there. Well we didnt meet on a website, more or less an App...for my iphone. Double EEk! Now we have face-timed and he does look like his picture and seems somewhat normal, if not a little geeky.  But thats my thing. So now we ask ourselves this question "Am i actually going to try and make this work?" Or "Is this just a friend thing?"
With me, it always seems that i end up with all of these men just being my friend, and this is my doing, now theirs. Im a bit of a maneater.
But i have plans to see him this weekend after attending a friends wedding. Now this might be a fluke, it might be awesome. I might totally bail, it just all depends honestly on my mood that day :)

But if i dont return in a week ive either been kidnapped or murdered.
Updates to come!


Keep Safe, and Stay Offline!
Xoxo
   Sophie

A flight of fear

It always seems that in the darkest of times, you re-discover yourself.

Well the attempt at moving out failed, and money just fell through my pockets.
But in these last few weeks I've discovered what true friends are, and what true friends want to be.
The ones who just save you for a backup plan, and the ones who have no one else except you. It's an extreme life lesson, and one that's hardest to learn when it deals with people you never thought you would have to even evaluate as your friends.
Also that loneliness is often confused with independence. And that freedom, true freedom is having nothing holding you down, and no-one keeping you around. That freedom isn't money, fame or success. It's an inner peace of knowing who you are, and knowing you need no-one and nothing to complete you.
I've figured out that this is the reason I'm mostly always single. I have yet to find a man who lets me be as free as I am alone. If you find someone like that, fight for them with every ounce of strength in you, and until then, don't give one single fuck.

The moment I find a man who allows me to feel unrestrained and is just as at peace with himself as I am with myself, I'll hold onto him. But for now, along with my selection of friends, I cannot let anyone hold me back from being who I am.


Both places of employment are terrible as in I'm overworked and underpaid, disregarded and overlooked.
I did not fight for 20 years to live up to these two bill paying jobs. And that be the end of it.

With nothing hold me back, I think I'm gunna take that leap I've been wanting too.
I may be broke, tired and homeless at the end. But I will be free.

Maybe L.A. , maybe London.
One or the other, I'm making a commitment to myself to go.

Stay free, and take risks,
Xoxo
Sophie

Home of the Free, Land of the Brave

It always sucks when reality pops up and bites you in the ass.

That has been my week. A week full of ass chomping, and it's only Monday. Well..Tuesday.

Declined for a house, out of 100 bucks, my car needs it's oil changed, my bank needs 300$ for my credit card and my taxes are apparently never getting returned to me.
I'm sure you've just had one of those days, or weeks or month. Where everything decides it doesn't want to cooperate, and reality just keeps smacking you in the ass reminding you that you can't live in fantasy land. That your an adult, and you've got to make big girl decisions. You've got bills to pay, and not enough hours at work to pay them.

I find that after a few good cries, and a incredibly hard workout session you feel better. Exhausted, but better. I decided to read a book,an entire book in 4 hours today, so my brain is fried.

I feel like when everything goes to shit, you see what is really important in life, and how much money you spend on just crap. I feel like we spend money of things we don't need, we slave at jobs we will never like and we push our dreams on the back shelf.

I have this obsession with freedom, with being free. Without limits, without rules. And I defined freedom as never having to feel bad for doing what makes you happy, what you think is right.

But recently I've discovered that freedom is nothing like that. True freedom for yourself is being the best you, that you can be. It's never feeling bad for who you are and what you believe, but it's also never deciding that someone else's beliefs and decisions are wrong. It's embracing people for who they are, with no preconceived ideas, no stereotypes. For never being afraid of life, and of Challenges and problems. Freedom for me, is realizing that you've got to give up every inch of yourself, to understand what it means to be free. To giving it up to your dreams, your friends, your family and your everyday life. To never letting people or social media define who you are.

It's never having to define anyone, or anything.
We put people in boxes, in stereotypes and labels, in which we limit them. We limit them in our minds to what they can do and what they an accomplish, therefore stealing the freedom of being who they are from them. And we constantly do to each other, so we are all just endlessly bound up in each others labels and lives, instead of just living our own.

My New Years resolution was basically to not give a shit about anything, and it's worked out quite well for me actually. But what comes with that, is accepting that you really can't give a shit about what other people do either.

So in bringing this back around, I just cannot give a shit about this week anymore. Neither should you, you should focus on being happy, healthy and free. Life tends to find a way to work itself out, so stop stressing. Stop bothering yourself with other people's lives and decisions. Live yours, and let life unfold for you.

Keep calm and don't give one shit,
Xoxo
Sophie

A dream is a Wish

Oh to be young, and without worries.

As I was walking into work today, A 15 year old girl was setting up for her birthday a few tables down. She had I about six girls surrounding her, and a box of cupcakes in the middle. I stood at the door and watched them for a few minutes. Before the cupcakes could be opened, they all stood up, put palms to palms, swayed back and forth and chanted some for of secret language. It was strange, but they didn't seem to care what anyone else thought.Because they are young, innocent, and wild.

I can remember being that young once, Im not too old now. But the feeling of being young, and not having so many worries and responsibilities on your shoulder. As i sit up and write this entry, i feel tired and worn out after a long weekend, and a long week awaiting me. I remember not going to sleep until the early hours of the morning, and being able to go and go all day the next day.

When did i become so old?

As i got older, my heels got higher, my shirts and shorts got lower, my hair got longer, and my makeup got heavier. My taste in men changed, and my view on innocence changed, as did my definition of wild.

But my heart hasnt seemed to age much. I still dream too big and get lost in my fantasies.
I feel like that is the only thing that keeps me young, that keeps anyone young. The innocent dreaming, and imagining that this world isnt as dark and dangerous as it really is, and that this society isnt as corrupt and selfish as we know it to be. I believe that the small pieces of innocent dreaming we have left in us is what keeps us dreaming, and what keeps us young. No matter how old we get.

The reality that my website and blog will ever truly become what i want it to be in my head, a beacon for women like me. A place that inspires others to follow their dreams, and that need to be recognized and noticed be fed into. The reality is that it wont ever be that, but the hope, the dream of it becoming more than that is what keeps me going. What keeps me writing, and what keeps me pouring my heart and soul into making my website all that I want.

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing your hardest. Never let defeat after a loss keep you from hoping for a win. Never let anyone tell you that your not good enough to play this game called life, that your not skilled enough to play in the position you want.

And most of all, dont let the reality of life, stop you from dreaming.

Keep sweet, and Keep Dreaming
XoXo
  Sophie

Hunting 101

House hunting is possibly the most frustrating thing in the world.
Either the house is too far, doesnt allow pets, the agent decides to take a vacation the day we all take off work. Or the rent is so high we would have to start black marketing our organs.

Trust me, if you can live at home. Do it. The world is so expensive, and only the rich and famous can survive.

But I have a list, a very important list that ive carried around mentally while we were looking for houses. Maybe this will help you if youve got a house hunting expedition in the near future.

1- If your moving in with roomates... Do you like them? Do you reallly like them? Because your stuck with them for a year. So you better like them.
2- If using an Agent, find a reliable one. If you find one and they constantly flake..find another if possible.
3- Once you find a house.. Dont let the house blind you from the price, or the price blind you from the house.
   - If the house is massive and wonderful, dont mentally push the price of the rent to the back of your mind just because you like it. You wont like it near as much when your picking up extra shifts to try and pay rent.
  - If the rent price is low, and the house is decent, dont just overlook things like rotting decks and decaying side paneling. If you can, pay more money for a structure safe house. It pays off in more ways in the end than you realize.
4- It takes more money to fix up an okay house, than it does to pay more for a great house.
5- Utilities are not included. Ever. Keep in mind you could be paying up to 200$ extra a month.
6- If you have pets, like me. Make sure your roomies are A-Ok with them, and dont even look at houses or apartments that dont accept pets. It set's up you and your roomies for a waste of time.
7- Can you afford it? Im guessing this should be my first point. But sometimes you have to see how much it costs before you can come up with a price range.

But for those who it may concern, these are my 7 top mental checklists. This economy is bombed, so trying to find a good place, with a reasonable price, and normal renters is probably the hardest thing ive had to do at the point.

Oh, and convince everyone in my life that i can, indeed handle it. And that my roommates are not plundering pirates here to take me life and my dignity.

In other news, snow has arrived to my wonderful town, and people are raiding the stores like its The Day After Tomorrow. Im actually glad i can go to work and avoid idiots today.



Be Kind, and Keep Hunting,
   xoxo Sophie

Who Am I?

Its now 2013!

A New Year!
I know its about a week too late, and about 2 weeks since ive written anything. But life gets in the way.

But as this year began, i felt like i could breathe a sigh o relief.  That hell of a year was over, and i could finally start somewhere new. And as i was thinking of where i was, to where ive been, to where i am now. I couldn't help wonder who I was, or at least who Ive become. Im so much different than i was.
My views of Marriage are completely different, considering i was almost close to it.
My Family has become such an important part of my life, but in such a different way.
My Friend's have become my life-force, more than ever before.
Im breaking out of what i used to be, and what people know me as. And not everyone is pleased about it.

The thing about figuring out who you want to be, is that not everyone wants you to change. Those that adjust and accept the change, are the ones who truly love you. And don't just love you because of who they think you are. That seems to always be the hard part, learning who will turn their back on you when you make a life decision that they don't agree with.

Its hard to not get bitter at those people. Its hard to remember that they are only doing what they know, and are reacting in the way they have their entire life. It's hard to accept that you, yourself changed. That your not the same person anymore, not who you used to be. So,... this is not a "New Years" post, its just a "My Year" post.

What Ive learned so far:
-Be true to yourself
-Dont beat yourself up for changing.
-Accept who you are, embrace it. Love yourself. Your the one who has to live with you forever.
-Never settle for men who make you step down to get to their level.
-Friends and Jobs will go, but if you have no family that loves and supports you and your decisions, its a hard life.
-Never keep a job that kills your creativity and passion.
-You dont have to love your job, you dont even have to like it. But what you do, make sure it still can make you happy.
- Dont let your failures keep you from fighting for the future.
-Budget. Budget everything. Your time, your money, your shampoo. Because Time is a precious thing we cannot waste.
-To take a moment everyday, and remember why you have the most amazing life. And that you are truly blessed.

Ten things in Ten days. It seems like a lot, but you wouldn't believe that when you start to change, and when you actually stop and think, how much has changed with you.

Who am I?
Well, im learning. And Its one of the most exciting moments. To find that you are starting fresh, clean and new. To taste independence and not drown. To know love, and if not kept too, turns to hate. To meet disappointment and judgement with a smile, because bitterness is hard to forget.

Hope your New Year is YOUR year. Dont even let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game. Do what you want, chase your dreams. Buy a plane ticket with tax returns. Go on adventure. Fall in love, and fall in love again. Eat too much, and sleep it off. Laugh more, and greet everyday with a incredible feeling of "What adventure awaits me today?"

Be Kind and Be Yourself,
With Love,
   Sophie